Having been born smack in the middle of the 4th largest city in America, and having grown up in its suburbs, I’ve definitely always considered myself a city girl. I’ve spent time marooned (I felt) in very small Midwestern towns and chafed at the lack of culture, museums, ethnic diversity. I’ve freaked out at the fact that cow poop is green when fresh. The words, “You actually SWIM in the river??” have come out of my mouth. And when I got to move back to the big city from those small Midwestern towns, it was as though the heavens opened up and a chorus of angels escorted me home, all the while singing the Hallelujah Chorus…
But about a month ago, the Lord and I were having a conversation about dreams. It went something like this:
God: Hey, I want you to start visualizing your dreams. Really see them.
Me: What? I’m a seer. Of course I visualize my dreams.
God: Not the nighttime ones. The dreams that are in your heart, things you long for.
Me: Oh. Um. Yeah, I don’t think I have any of those. (Dawning realization). I think I’ve spent my life more or less in survival mode, even after I didn’t need to…hard habit to break, that. You’re gonna have to help me on that one, God, ’cause I can’t think of a single thing I’ve wanted so badly that I’ve wanted it with everything in me.
God: What about J and M?
Me: Uh, no, that was YOUR idea. I certainly wasn’t chasing after J. Didn’t you read my post, “Honor Among Weirdos?”
God: You know full well that J and M are redemption of your past on many levels. C’mon, daughter, work with me here. See your dreams.
I pause. I look around.
Me: I can’t SEE any of them. Help!
God: (grinning) Watch!
Suddenly, this city girl is remembering a time in 2003 that she walked into a model house and announced before she realized what she was saying, “This is my house. I will build this and live in it one day.” Suddenly, this city girl is remembering that she saw that house built on a couple of acres of land. She saw a garden, a few chickens, maybe a cow or two, a creek or shallow river running through the land, and no lawn to mow. Suddenly, this city girl is realizing she has – and has had – a VERY strong desire to simplify her life for a good while now. And apparently, simplifying, in her mind, doesn’t equate to city life.
I suppose there have been clues. About 3 years ago, the hubby and son and I moved to a smaller town outside Austin, and I realized very quickly that I like being NEAR a bigger city but not necessarily living IN it – I can get to it when I need to, but then I can come home to a slower pace of life and far less traffic. And then there is my ongoing love affair with wide-open spaces: last summer, driving through the mountains of West Texas, I felt like I just belonged there. Last weekend, we drove all over the Texas Hill Country, and again, I was captivated. I kept looking for land-for-sale signs. And finally, there’s the fact that no matter how cute the shoes might be, I’d rather be barefoot and digging my toes into the dirt. Like, the stuff plants grow in, not the grime of a city sidewalk (grooooosss). I want the sun shining down on my face and the breeze blowing my hair every which way. I want butterflies and dragonflies and wildflowers in my yard. I want to lie outside on the driveway at night and actually be able to count the stars…
I don’t know how it will all come to pass. What I do know is that if the Lord shows it to me, it eventually happens in His timing, so I don’t need to try and figure it all out. And I’m realizing, too, that when we remember forgotten dreams, we might just see aspects of ourselves, our identities, that we didn’t know were there. In my case, since I’ve asked the Lord to show me who HE says I am, I’ve been a bit surprised at some of the things He’s said, but they aren’t offensive or cumbersome to me. They fit…like missing puzzle pieces.
What about you? Do you need to visualize your dreams? What would the Lord show you if you allowed Him to help? What puzzle pieces would you discover?