Pellucere and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Years

Hi, y’all…do any of you remember me? A long time ago, I used to write this blog called “Pellucere” fairly regularly. And I promised to be open about struggles and joys alike, in the hope that my thoughts might speak to someone out there.

And then.

A lifelong dream came true.  My family and I moved to Alaska.  We acclimated, bought a house, were in it for the long haul.  I was very excited for my future.

Except.

That lifelong dream took us to a literal wilderness, but it also took J to a spiritual one.  Things were about to get REAL, and REAL was about to SUCK.  And I disappeared, and I’m still working my way back up to the surface.  There’s a book to be written out of all of this, but for now, this Cliff’s Notes version will have to suffice.

Jan 2015: I woke up to the words, “I want a divorce.” I said no.
April 2015: I started having weird health issues, which I’m still fighting. I also started working for the State of Alaska.
Dec 2015-April 2016: J’s company got devoured by a Big Name Telecom Co. He couldn’t find a new job.
June 2016: We walked away from the house we’d bought, my favorite house I’d ever lived in.
July 2016: We left our stuff in storage and moved to the San Diego area, in the hopes that J could find telecom work. We lived on my savings until it was gone. J found VERY part-time consulting work for a company out of Texas.
Dec 2016: J packed a suitcase and left. He was gone for 5 months. He came face-to-face with a lot of his stuff and realized that no matter where he ran, it went with him. Our cat died. M and I tried to remember to breathe.
May 2017: J came back. Still no full-time work, but he seemed to be different in a good way. We were still all crowded into a tiny 1BR apartment and living out of suitcases.
June, July, Aug 2017: As he continued to not find work, J slid back into old behaviors. Tensions mounted.
Sept 2017: As more truths came out, I realized my entire marriage had been built on false pretenses. But I also remembered the promise of the Lord regarding it, and I clung to that promise like it was my only source of oxygen.
Oct 2017: J took a full-time job in the Denver area. M and I stayed in San Diego. Everything that could be shaken began to be shaken.
Dec 2017: We’re about to go into a new year, and I am struggling with the process. Because that’s what we’re in. I asked the Lord many months ago to burn my marriage to the ground, and he did. And he has promised beauty for ashes, but these things take time, particularly when you have to wait for other people to make choices and learn.

Y’all, I am not a person who needs a lot of people around her.  I’m not someone who falls apart at the drop of a hat and needs someone to shore her up.  I’ve always been very introverted and self-sufficient.  But over these last 3 years, I have learned the difference between loneliness and being utterly alone – and being utterly alone is not something humans were designed for.  I have not had anyone – ANYONE – walking with me through this.  People whom I thought would be lifelong friends, who would always be there, well, they aren’t.  Sure, a few people know a few details, but I have worn my aloneness like a leaden shirt.  I have wept more than I thought possible and slept less than humanly necessary.  I have gotten up every morning and made it through each day, one slow, plodding step at a time.  But I am raw with aloneness and the suffocating sense of everything being out of balance. And, oh, I am tired.

I have to look forward, believing for better days.  I have to.  So here’s to 2018, a new year, in which anything can happen.  Here’s to restoration and color and creativity and fullness and life.  Here’s to ample finances, abundances of love, plethoras of purpose, and destiny fulfilled.  Here’s to hope and joy, laughter and redemption, justice and mercy. These things will be mine again.

And if it crosses your mind, could you hold me and my family up in prayer?

 

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