For a little over a month, I’ve been navigating the intricacies of “dissolving this thing,” what my soon-to-be-ex called breaking up our marriage. I’ve had some tough moments, but really, it’s astounding how good I feel, how free. As I’ve allowed the Lord to pull me through all the stages of grief, I have become lighter and lighter and lighter. I had forgotten what that was like.
One thing the Lord has said to me during this process is, “Dare to feel things.” Oh, boy. To this thinker, the idea of not processing everything through logic was initially mildly horrifying. But I know God always has a good reason for everything he asks of me, so I said, “Okay,” and jumped in feet-first.
And honestly, it’s a little unsettling. It feels a little out of control. But it’s also a little liberating, tapping into the creativity that has been so squelched down inside of me. I’m not going to fight the process, and I’m definitely not done with it. Ultimately, I think it’s about finding balance because I realized I’ve been so guarded against the lack I lived with that any and all joy that came my way just wasn’t able to land. I’ve started experiencing these little bits of joy recently, and, let me tell you, they’re awesome. Laughter is a delicious medicine, y’all.
Also, I’m pretty sure I’m actually a bit of a romantic at heart. I came to this conclusion one day when I randomly thought, “What’s the ultimate love song?” and I had an answer right away. That answer, for me, is “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg. The idea of loving someone so deeply that it seems like you never didn’t love them; the celebration of bringing different, often opposite, qualities to the relationship; the picture of love mellowing through the years but never decreasing…those are beautiful images that make me smiley and nostalgic and sum up what I always hoped for in my life. Who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll have it.
A friend told me it’s not realistic to live a Norman Rockwell life, but I kind of don’t agree. We live in a troubled world, yes, but I think it’s a mindset. Rockwell celebrated the little moments that were often big moments. He found the innocence and goodness in everyday life, and I think it’s possible to do the same even today. (And, side note in defense of Mr Rockwell: he wanted to address many social and political issues of his day for a long time, but The Saturday Evening Post wouldn’t let him. If you look at his post-Post work, he did tackle some tough subjects, but even in those, he found and illuminated the good.)
There are lots of changes happening for me right now. And you know what? They FEEL really good. 🙂 At the risk of sounding cliche, but not caring if I do, I truly believe the best is yet to come. Onward!