Mama’s Off Her Pedestal

Anyone who knows me knows how close my son and I are. M is a great, great kid, and we’ve been pals, inseparable, since Day 1. But things are shifting a bit, and as challenging as that can be, it’s also a Really Good Thing.

When M was small, he thought I could do no wrong. He thought I was the best parent on the planet. He wanted to be just like me when he grew up, and he told me these things often. And while his beliefs gave me a nice, momentary Parent Ego boost (Yeah, I guess I’m pretty good, huh? I never have any trouble with this kid, and everyone is always telling me how polite/smart/compassionate/etc he is. <pats self on the back awkwardly>), my idea of truly loving a person involves helping him set realistic expectations in life. So we had a conversation. Or, rather, I talked. He looked at me blankly, “Does Not Compute” written all over his cute little face.

“Kiddo,” said I, “There comes a point in every child’s life when he starts to realize his parents are flawed human beings, just like everyone else. And this realization will challenge his entire belief structure. So do yourself a favor: don’t put me on a pedestal. One, you can see up my skirt if you put me up that high, and two, I’m gonna fall off, anyway.”

Crickets.

Oh, well, I tried. And I reminded him of this conversation periodically in the ensuing years, to no avail. He still thought I was the Bombdiggity (TM). But here’s the thing: as close as we were and are, I have never, never wanted a Mama’s Boy who couldn’t or wouldn’t untangle from those proverbial apron strings. Frankly, the idea horrifies me. My job as a parent is to train up my child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6) – the way HE should go, not the way WE should go. I want to help him find and develop his gifts and callings, the ones he’ll move in long after I’m gone. I want to prepare him to approach the world from a Biblical perspective so that as he lives and moves and has his being, it’s his reliance on God and not on Mama that sustains him. And I’m sure his future wife will appreciate my insistence that he will need to LEAVE me to CLEAVE to her (Eph 5:31)!

Maybe it’s been because of the upheaval that took place between 2016 and 2021 (that’s a big chunk of the time he’s been on this earth), but M didn’t come to that point as soon as most kids do. Actually, I think because he was trying to navigate through his father’s betrayal, he stuck even tighter to me. I’ve tried, as gently as possible, to pull back just a tiny bit here and there, in order to more or less force him to make decisions for himself without worrying about what I think. And I’m seeing progress: This weekend, he finally told me he had “a bit of a problem” with me.

The thing about M is, he’s a thinker and also really wants to live his life in tandem with the Lord. So we talked. And even though he was feeling annoyed and resentful, he didn’t scream and shout and tell me he hated me and all the typical teenager stuff. Instead, he came to the conclusion that none of his issue actually hinged on anything I’d done. It was about the necessary separation that must take place, and it was rocking his world. He was struggling with the realization that he won’t always like, approve of, or agree with my actions because he felt like if he DIDN’T approve, then it meant that I was just as unreliable as his dad, and if he couldn’t trust me, then who could he trust?

“Congratulations, kiddo,” I said. “You’ve finally let me off the pedestal. Even more, you’ve let me out of the box your imagination created for me, and now I am able to be a fully-realized human in your world. You won’t always agree with me. I will drive you nuts sometimes. YOU drive ME nuts sometimes, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you or how I treat you. Welcome to Adult Maturity 101. You are living out the verse that says, ‘When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.’ (1 Cor 13:11). Now you and I can enter into the next stage of our relationship.”

No crickets this time, just a tilted head and a Thinking Face. I know my son, and it’s going to take him a while longer to work through all this. He’ll overthink, try to figure out how to relate to me in this new way, be frustrated because he doesn’t have all the details, talk with God a whole lot, and then settle into the process of becoming a man. (And he’s going to make a fantastic one. He just won’t be one who lives at his mama’s house when he’s 30!) As a parent, I find it gratifying to watch this process and know that he’ll do well. I like the man he’s becoming, even when he directs the growing pains at me. I like knowing that I did my very best to raise him, and it’s bearing good fruit. (That fragile Parent Ego is whispering thank you, God, that I didn’t screw this child up irreparably!)

As for me tumbling off the pedestal, well, the bruises are minor and will heal quickly. And I’ll continue to be me, which will continue to annoy my kiddo on occasion, and all will be well. 🙂